4:06 PM, Nov 26, Bejijing

It is so croded in Starbucks that it took me a while to find a place to sit. Must be very easy to make money from Chinese. People shows up whatever kind of store you open.

Went shopping again with Zhaowei and Wang Anxian. They are so extremely kind I felt like a spoiled girl. It is very popular for the department stores to give out coupons for the purchase. We went to Jun Tai, who offers $180 coupon for $180 purchase. To my surprise, there are even coupon dealers trailing everyone. As I was trying that pair of beautiful boots, a woman came by and asked us if we want to have 50% off or get coupons. Instinct tells me not to accept the deal. We got the reciept, then kept on shopping to see if we could make the best of our coupon. There are stores accept only 50% of the coupon but luckily we found MK Klein who takes 100%. Wang had the take the English exam for a friend of hers (cheating), and met us in Jun Tai. She said sometimes it wasn't bad to trade with the dealers, and took out her cellphone to calculate for me. By the end I was very satisfied with the deal, except that I have to loose some weight on my ass in order to fit comfortably into my new pants. They carried my stuff when I was digging and wang held my bags when we were done. Zhao's pregnant and we didn't want her to do anything involving weights. I love the girls.

We then went to the Lotus Lane in Houhai, a place around a small lake close to Jingshan. Whoever started the bar/restaurants biz there is a genious. I fell in love with the atomasphere right away. The buildings along the lake are all of ancient style, even the Starbucks at the entrance. I took a pic of it to show to my colleagues back in Canada. We went to a restaurant called 茶马古道，with Yunan cuisine. The dishes are tasty and nicely presented. One of those we ordered is frog meat. The frog was cut into small cubes, mixed with onions and bellpeppers, sit on top of a thick layer of green onions, which was put on a metal net. The net was put on a deap plate containing some sort of oil. The waitress lighted the oil and the fire heated the green onion, bringing the fragrance into the already cooked meat. The 米酒 recommended by Anxian was delicious as well. It was a milky liquid instead of the opaque one I knew. Sweet with a smooth taste of alcohle.

We talked about our lives, the classmates, Zhaoyangqing... They aren't that happy with her. She seemed to be quite self-centered in their eyes. I didn't make too much comments on that. I wanted to live in China but on the other hand I am afraid that my optimism will disappear. I don't want to see the lawyers bribe the judges, the officials steal the donation from the poor, that the sick is turned away because they don't have money, that I become indifference to the panhandlers.

There are so many things to buy but I don't have time.

Went out with mom and dad to 菜市口百货 to make some earrings of the stone they bought in Brazil. Really don't have much to talk about wih dad and wished he could stay at home but at the same time blame myself for being so cruel. Don't have any fond memories with him of my childhood. Always felt he didn't like me, until Wang De didn't take his advice when he graduated from the university to get a position in the Foreign Affair Ministry. And I couldn't bring out the love toward him when he talk to mom with that impatient tone. We met a nieghbour downstairs. She complained that she had to cook so much everytime her adult children came for a visit. Dad said why not ask your daughter-in-law to come and help first. Mom blurted out, in a low voice, that why should the daughter-in-law? I exchanged an understanding shrug to mom. He insisted mom to go to Wuhan, knowing she won't be happy there. I couldn't even stand the three days no to mention mom who are not as close to the grandparnets. That apartment is a information desert. It isn't fair. But divorce is out of the question.

Going to see 暗恋桃花源 with Chun, hope we could cheap tickets from the dealers. Tonight is the last show, although the review said this version is not as good and the ones at Taiwan, it is still a classic.

Have to go.

8:12 AM, Nov 23, Beijing

He got my email the same night at 11pm, didn’t call me buz it was too late. Yesterday approx noon time he called when we were on our way out to another restaurant that I didn’t have the appetite for. Same old same old, why did he even bother calling if nothing comes out of that letter. We talked about his wife’s encounter with a theft on the bus, I asked how was his schedule like... Called me again approx 10PM, still the same. Knowing this is leading nowhere, why am I trying to provoke sth? What a slut am I.

Talked to mother when dad was taking a nap. Told her to put herself first even though I know that will never happen. She couldn’t even do what she wants that might cause some inconvenience for dad. She has to go to Wuhan to take care of grandparents with dad, to that boring apartment without friends. I said it wasn’t her responsibility and for sure she will be the one who cooks all day. I asked her, looking back the past 63 years of her life, when was the best period? Surprising to me, instead of her university years, it was the two years that dad was away abroad. They have developed some sort of friendship. They cares for each other but there is no common ground for them to reach another level of relationship. I can’t stand the way dad talks to mom, without respect and full of annoyance. Everyone else regards him as a good person. Why would someone treat everyone else so much better than the person who is the closest? I told mom that with her look (younger years since she doesn’t care for her looks and even worse now), intelligence and personality, she deserves someone who treats her life a queen, just like how Dave cares for me. But a divorce doesn’t seem to be an option. She agrees that she will be liberated once dad passes away.

Don’t have much to say with dad, but still felt a string in heart heart was touched when he patted my shoulder as he leaves for the hospital to get the refills of his many prescriptions.

The sun that shone on us at the beginning of my return is now blocked by the thick smog that smells like burning coals. Mom said this is how Beijing looks like during the normal days.

10:51PM

Went shopping with Chun. Bought some silver jewelries, two hats, a handbag, a pair of gloves, two scarves, one skirt and one jacket. Everything is so cheap plus Chun helped me to slash the price by more than half! I was so excited.
But the beginning wasn’t that much fund while still amusing. When I was waiting for Chun outside of the building, a guy came and talked non-stop about the new beauty parlor opened on the 7th floor. I wasn’t interested at all because I don’t want somebody dress worse than me to tell me how to pamper myself. But we decided to go after he told us that everyone of them has a quota everyday, and it will only take 5 mins. What a lie. He ushered us to the floor without signs of their new biz. Before the door opened after he rang the door bell, I said to Chun that we might will be sold to some farm soon. It was a very ordinary hair saloon same as those on the street that I won’t step in. Then each of us was introduced to a “consultant”, but farmer look-a-likes. When he was talking I was worried that his saliva land on my head. Holy Moly he could talk non-stop too and does not give me a chance to interrupt. I told him this wasn’t my priority of the day and I need to go asap, but of course this was ignored. He then told me how weird my skulled was shaped, and how to balance my skull and cheek bones with a style he picked from a magazine he bought from Shanghai. I insisted to leave but was convinced to stay because he has to meet His quota by having my hair washed. Then after I washed my hair he requested to give me a haircut which was of course declined. He said repeatedly that the girls in Shanghai and southern China wants simple haircut that’s easy to style without using lots of products, that girls in Beijing always chase the fashion in a rigid wrong way (emphasizing it by pointing to Chun’s curly hair). I was sick of those shit by then and couldn’t keep my smile any longer. I said I don’t find anything wrong with my style, I don’t want to have a cut, and I need him to blow dry it right away because I’ve told him an hour ago that I wanted to leave soon. OMG I was so annoyed but still didn’t want to hurt his feeling. I asked him for his biz card of politeness but sworn I will never ever go back to that shit hole.

When shopping even in Highend stores the sales assistant would come so close to me and talk about whatever I picked up even after I told them that I just wanted to browse! Some of them stood at the border of their stores and shout their promotion.

But it was fun hanging out with Chun. The intimacy we had before came back. We chatted about thing happened in our lives, she in Australia and Taiwan, I in Canada. I learnt how she met her lovely adorable hubby, her visit to Taiwan, and things happen in our family. I felt bad for resenting her after learning things she did from my parents. I am really happy for her, and wish Dave and I could be living in Beijing so that we could have group date often.

Then we forgot to tell my parents that we were not having supper at home. Turned out they were waiting so we had to eat more with full bellies just to make them feel better.

Email to Yang, Nov 22 Beijing

5:12 AM in the morning, not everyone has the luxury of witnessing the wake of this city. It is still dark and quiet. The lights on the skyscrapers flickers, the huge cranes stands motionless… I can already hear the occasional tires roll on the road and honks from faraway.

It was wonderful to be able to talk to you again. I wish it could be longer but the familiar feeling of uncertainty crept back. I could hear your voice but couldn’t really see what’s in your mind. We scratched some surfaces and a hand pulled me back from venturing further. I hope I didn’t contaminate your mood with mine. I was all excited and happy last week and the mood took a sharp turn after I visited my grandparents.

They were immortal in my eyes. I still kept snapshots of my childhood with them in my head: grandma sewing besides the window that shut big snow flakes outside, grandpa reading People’s Journal while I scribble on the wall, the family gathering around the big dinning table on the new years eve… But their passing became so inevitable this time, it hangs heavily in the air. My grandpa who I never saw shedding a tear held my hand and asked me not to worry about them anymore now that they are in their 90s, and be closer to my parents instead. Tears kept on rushing out when I saw him wiped his own, and when I spent the last half an hour sitting between my grandparents, answering their random questions such as how many hours I work everyday. When we are bidding farewelIs I was horrified at the thought that this might be the last time I see them. Shot a few video clips of them, and many photos, wishing to keep their images close. However I am not sure if I could collect enough courage to watch these records once they really pass away. Then their faces will fade, together with their smell and their voice. Eventually maybe all I have in my head is only the memory of their existence.

After so many goodbyes in my life I can still not come prepared. I don’t regret studying abroad because I didn’t see my future then and now I have a job I like. But I start to wonder if I got my priority straight. Would I be able to settle in Beijing then, close to everyone. I could see my grandparents in the holidays, live in my parents apartment shamelessly until I am able to afford my own (if ever), go out with old and new friends, meet the special one here and dump he once I found out he is an asshole ;P. As my parents’ heath get worse I could give immediate help. I really don’t want to go now, despite of the second hand smoke that makes me sick, the spitting that nauseates me and the public washrooms that repels me. :P
Don’t know why I mumbles so much assuming you are interested. I just felt we never had a chance to talk, although we spoke before ;) I was so angry when I heard that you won’t be in Beijing during my visit. Not at you, but at the hands that are pulling the strings. I couldn’t believe how two lives can miss each other’s path so easily. We never ever ever lived in the same city when we know each other. Even now, only for merely three weeks and it can’t be done. Yet I am scared of the meeting. Talking to you I always felt immature like a silly girl standing on my toes, facing up trying to catch a glimpse of your thought, admiring the wisdom, while could never figure out what kind of person you really are. I lost the little confidence I had, constantly guessing if I made a fool of myself. The same sense of foolishness came back last night. I pictured you leaning on the headboard of the bed, one hand holding the phone and the other the remote, changing channels and wishing me to shut up so that you can go to sleep. The last thing I want is disappointment. We are like two trains running on parallel tracks. I could see you but don’t know what you carry inside. You arrived at the station years earlier, but when I get there, you’ve already gone.

It seems to be another foggy day in Beijing. More and more lights in the apartment buildings are lit, a dog is barking. It’s 6:23. Starbucks opens in a few minutes. Their black coffee is pretty good. And their internet is even better :)

3:19PM, Nove 22, Beijing

After some manouvers the internet finally got reconnected.

He called me last night at 10 PM. I started to feel stupid again as before under the pressure of his intelligence. I don't want him to feel I changed too much but I wasn't in a great mood then, either because I just left Wuhan or I couldn't see him soon. Does he still have that tenderness toward me? Does he really want to see me or is he just being nice? I asked him about his wife and he said they are alike. Reading his letters again and again, I wonder what would be like if that was me? I said it was getting late and he needs rest, but I didn't want to hang off the phone. If he asked me to stay on the line I would. Nothing is the same anymore and I can't go back time. If only I had another year in Beijing, till I become more mature, till I am able to understand.

Dad left at around 12PM to pick up Chun in the airport. I lied on the couch and mom sat at the dinner table talking to me about whatever she is not able to communicate to dad. I couldn't find any reason why she is still staying with him other than not being able to break the living pattern that they are so used too. There must be many loveless marriage, count 4 in our family. I would never ever marry someone like dad. I am not even a fan of him as a father. How could he treat someone so close to him like that without respect. He is still holding the grudge against He Wanning. I don't even remember how many years they've been married. He does not speak to Wang De when he stopped by for a week on his business trip. Wand De had tears and dad later scolded mom for handing him a tissue.

Pretty as mother when she was young, smart and strong, she deserves someone much better than dad, deserves a man treats her like a queen, a man who brings laughter to her, share the burden of houseworks, shares the same interests... Instead because she belongs to another class she gave herself to a man from working class who does not know the meaning of being a husband.

Wang Chun is coming, and I am not anxious to see her. I've heard all about her marriage with a rich Taiwanese, purchased a wonderful condo, and developed a interest for luxury goods. I am a little jealous. I still want to keep the superiority of being the prettier one.

Speaking of Wang De, mom and dad told me the similiar version of what he told them during his visit. He said he went out with Mo Haowei in Shanghai, but was found out my He when she called him at work. She refused to eat and wanted to commit suicide. Her parents intervened and my borther felt obligated. I do felt pity this time I saw him in the airport. There wasn't the young confident figure I expected, instead there came a man who shows a sign of struggle. I didn't see much affection between them, hopefully it is because I didn't have a chance to be with them longer.

Sitting in Starbuck. Exhausted from the trip but couldn't sleep long at night. Drank a medium sie coffe and now my heart is beating so fast for no reason and my hands are shaking. Time to go home but the guy sitting across from me is too cute. :)

4:42PM, Nov 21

Is it too early to countdown to my departure? Haven't gotten a call from Dave, maybe he is upset at me for forgetting to wait for his call that morning before I leave for Wuhan. Have to get a phone card and check if he is OK. I am not a family person.

It hurts to be close to anyone. The constant reunion and farewell exhaust me. Yesterday afternoon I sat besides grandparents bed, watching grandpa lying there. I reached for his hand and he held mine. He asked me to be closer to my parents. He said he and grandmna are both in their 90s, and I should worry about my parents more instead of them. I can't help but wondering was this my last visit to them? After supper I sat between them, holding their hands. They asked me how many hours do I work a day, do I get along with colleagues, asked me not to spend too much. They said they may not be here next time I come. I cried and by the time I have to leave I started to choke. I shot several video clips of grandma talking to dad, grandpa singing Beijing Opera in bed. I try to record their voice and live image as a reminder. But will I be able to collect the courage to look at these once they are not here anymore? Several years ago, to me they are immortal. But as time passes, as I hear them talking about grandparents' age, how uncle spends so much time taking care of them instead of hiring a caregiver against their wills, why their apartment should belong to uncle once they pass away, and hear them guess how much money they accumulated by not adding any item of luxury, it seems everyone is waiting for their end, not in a malicious way, but only because everyone has an end and they are over 90.

I can still feel my heart wrenches at the thought of them. I thougth the many fairwells in my life would make me less emotional, but every practise still breaks me. If I had a choice, I would rather grow up in a city with my parents, keep childhood friends and make new ones long the way, meet someone in the same city, and die in the same city. No more good-byes and no more useless tears.

Called Yang after I got back Beijing, couldn't wait till he answers my email. I was so excited yet disappointed to hear that he is coming, only next week, 3 days before I leave. Did he arrange the business trip for me? I asked when would be a good time to call him and he answered anytime at night. I think he was glad that we spoke. But that is not enough for me. I want to see him face to face, sitting beside him and chat, like we never did before. If only we had more time to discover each other. We talked alot before, but the subjects are always about sth else other than ourselves. We still don't know much about each other. Maybe now a chance presents itself, years later. Would I grab it or let our cowardness tear it away again. What's the use anyway.

Have to call Dave.

7:29 AM, Nov 19, 2006

A week has passed. Didn’t get his answer to my email, not sure if he received it or not.
Went to Hankou to meet Sanshu in the bus terminal. The whole city was soaked in a grey fog who suffocates the already depressing concretes. The buildings here are mostly old. Everything are peeling or cracking. The streets seem to be abandoned by the city, leaving garbage everywhere and sewage running. People are wearing dark coloured clothes, walking without smile. There was a man sitting behind me on the bus who kept on sneezing and spitting. The whole process of spitting from the gargle of the throat till the final spat on the ground make me sick in the stomach. I may inhales the whole amount of second hand smoke I had for a whole two years in Canada. I cannot live here anymore. Everything makes my skin crawl because of its filth and raw.
Took some pictures, hoping to keep record of this trip. Why am I still complaining about my own life when most of the residents here are still living to survive? I saw some of them trying so hard to dress fashionable, some care for their children with great expectations for their future, some are dating, some are content. They will all go back to their run down apartment buildings with dusty cement stairs, grease covered kitchen, tacky decorated living room, and one small washroom without hot water. They will push their descendants to study so hard so as to go to univerisity, so that they can get a better live than their parents. Then they may be laid off, may retire as planned. While the discussion I have with Dave is when to get a house and when to take a trip to Cuba. It makes me sad to watch.

2:24 PM, Nov 17, Wuhan

Arrived at grandparents’ apartment this morning. Grandpa did not change much, but grandma shrunk even more and has mostly bones and wrinkled skin left. She cried of course, remind me again the cruelty of nostalgia. Took some photos and shot a few videos. The importance of them will shown once the images in digit are all there is left.
The apartment is in a condition called inviting. Far worse than the one that was once filled with lives and warmth. Now uncle is the one taking care of them, preparing for the meals everyday, and his wife, aunt and her husband are making dough in other cities.
Met Zhao Wei and Wang Anxian. They didn’t change much. I still like to poke Wang Anxian’s chubby cheeks. Wei is 2 weeks pregnant! She married that guy three months after they met. She said they were in love on he first sight. Her in-laws are living with them right now and are treating her like a queen. They didn’t let her wash the dishes so that her hands won’t be damaged. She is very well prepared for the baby, since she has all the human resources to take care of it.
I can’t wait for the next date. We will be shopping and going to the bars at Houhai. I love my girls!
Cannot check my mailbox here. Did he write me back? Is he still coming? I didn’t have the courage to send him the letter above, instead I only told him it is not reasonable for me to request his present. But hope he still cares for me enough to come here for a few day. Would I confess? Should I?

9:19 AM, November 15

I think my blog is blocked by the paranoid Chines government. I can still update it but cannot view the site.
After being away for 6 years, I now realize I love Beijing so much that I don’t care about the polluted air, the conjested traffic, the population, etc. Sitting in the cab trapped in the traffic jam the other afternoon, looking out of the window, suddenly found out now I am only onlooker. I checked Visitor in the form I had to fill when I enter the custom, oblivious of its implication that I am not a participant anymore.
Digged up the dusty box filled with my stuff. Found my journals and the letters from the friends in Wuhan after I moved to Bejing. Took a long trip to the memory lane from 10 PM to 3AM the next morning. Slept a little and woke up at around 5 AM. Now sitting in Starbuck sipping black coffee, and enjoy the access to internet that was not available for the past few days.
Turns out nostalgia does not get along with me. Grandma gave me my first journal when I was on my 6th grade, and my trip last night started from there. I saw the agony caused by the endless homeworks, some pieces of bitter memory I had with my aunt who I lived with when my parents were working in Italy, the fear and hate we had toward our Chinese teacher who had been in charge of our class in junior high for two years, the sweet strong precious bond with the girl friends and boys from our class, my troublesome first crush that went sour because of our inexperience, and the heartbreaking separation from my friends in Wuhan after my parents came back to China… It pains me to finally become an observer of how close I was with the girls, how we supported each other and then how it all dissipated after I moved away.
And then there are the letter from you. I couldn’t bring myself to finish them the first time I tried. I sudden found myself reading them from a different perspective as before, and started to really comprehend the messages. Maybe because I’ve grown, the words echos in my heart, only it’s six years later. Seems like we are two trains running on a pair of parallel tracks. I admire your speed and engine, but can’t never see what you carry inside. Now I think I can, and arrive at the same station, but you’ve already gone. Maybe you were there six years too early or I am six years too late. There are some moments in our lives that seem to be trifle then however a different decision we made then could completely change the course of our own history. But it only occurs to us years later, leaving us asking ourselves the useless question: what if.
It is unreasonable for me to request your present here. Please do disregard it. Keep in touch though, love the way you use Chinese language. Mine has been deteriorating.

6:43 AM, Nov 14, 2006

The morning starts its ritual again. I opened the window to let the air and the energy of the city in.
I stopped yesterday when mom woke up. Now let me pick it up again.
I saw on the photos taken on the trip to Zhou Zhuang with my roommates and the boys in our class. Although the details of the trip has fated in my memory, the carefree happiness remains. Gao Jun visited Beijing during a summer vacation. I remember that my heart dropped when I opened the door and saw this unannounced visitor. I knew I did’t love him but I couldn’t bring myself to tell him to the face. There are the photos we took in front of 白塔，and us in my parents’ apartment. I was just performing a host’s duty, and now I couldn’t find what I saw in him. Loneliness lead us to make impulsive decisions. And there are many photos taken before the graduation. We were young and still have baby fat on the face. Before these photo, I preserve the 4 years in that dorm in my passwords.
And then I found the envelops, with the first one marked by mom as: Send together by EMS on March 15, 2000. I don’t recall reading them before, and started to think maybe I never saw them until now? Tears came out on the third letter he wrote. If only I knew I told myself. If only he told me in front of my face, would my life take another path? Maybe now I can understand his feelings more. As I read the letters, my heard echoed his thought. Were the letters 6 years too early, or 6 years too later? I remembered that day too, on the top of the small tower, we were looking at the scenery in front of us, hands resting on the rail. My right hand was so close to his left one. There was a short few minutes of silence. I wasn’t looking at anything. My heart was pounding and I wanted him to hold my hand. Did I tell myself if he hold my hands I will rest my head on his shoulder?
In one of the letter he said I wrote to him that “our lives are two parallel lines”. It is confirmed once again. He is working in Shanghai now. I was lonely and I grabbed Gao Jun. He visited me occasionally and I thought I was just a little girl with boyish short hair even though the roommates did teased me when he came. He told me he decided to work in Shanghai after graduation. I asked why. He answered jokingly: because of a woman. I was disappointed somehow, and had a intelligent office lady pictured in my head, thinking that would be compatible to him. And then he started his post-graduate study in Nanjing, and I was too busy plotting my own life. He is the most intelIectual person in my life, I have much admiration for him and he fits into every catagory of the man I want, but was not attracted to him in that way. But there are so many chances that might have changed it.

6:42 AM, November 13, 2006

I woke up again before 4 a.m. The whole city was still deep in sleep, leaving a tranquility that is scarce in the day time. I am the few ones that have the chance to admire the night without having to worry about the 6 a.m. alarm. Now the silver thread at the end of the sky turns into a larger and large sash, more and more lights are turned on, the car starts to honk again, and the machine starts to run for another day.
After six year apart, mom cried when seeing me in the airport. I was warned by Wang De that their aging has accelerated, however it is still pains me to see the efforts mom is exerting when pending over, and the amount of pills dad has to take before and after each meal to treat the illness in many parts of his body. They are only in their sixties, it shouldn’t been like this yet.
Never felt so spoiled by them before. They took me to a restaurant for breakfast, ordered everything I haven't had in the past six years. Then we walked to Yaxiu, one of the many markets that are rented to small kiosks. They bought me a coat, two big scarves, and three shirts. I knew one should bargain at this kind of places, but still felt the vendors were ripped of by us when mom slashed the prices off by more than half and the sales assistant pleaded to her by telling us how hard it is to make a profit. Most of them are young country girls try to survive in this ruthless city.
Last night dad took out a mid-size suit case full of the clothes I worn years ago. Knowing there won’t be anything I will like, I went through it just to please them. And voila, there are the pictures of my university years.