3:19PM, Nove 22, Beijing

After some manouvers the internet finally got reconnected.

He called me last night at 10 PM. I started to feel stupid again as before under the pressure of his intelligence. I don't want him to feel I changed too much but I wasn't in a great mood then, either because I just left Wuhan or I couldn't see him soon. Does he still have that tenderness toward me? Does he really want to see me or is he just being nice? I asked him about his wife and he said they are alike. Reading his letters again and again, I wonder what would be like if that was me? I said it was getting late and he needs rest, but I didn't want to hang off the phone. If he asked me to stay on the line I would. Nothing is the same anymore and I can't go back time. If only I had another year in Beijing, till I become more mature, till I am able to understand.

Dad left at around 12PM to pick up Chun in the airport. I lied on the couch and mom sat at the dinner table talking to me about whatever she is not able to communicate to dad. I couldn't find any reason why she is still staying with him other than not being able to break the living pattern that they are so used too. There must be many loveless marriage, count 4 in our family. I would never ever marry someone like dad. I am not even a fan of him as a father. How could he treat someone so close to him like that without respect. He is still holding the grudge against He Wanning. I don't even remember how many years they've been married. He does not speak to Wang De when he stopped by for a week on his business trip. Wand De had tears and dad later scolded mom for handing him a tissue.

Pretty as mother when she was young, smart and strong, she deserves someone much better than dad, deserves a man treats her like a queen, a man who brings laughter to her, share the burden of houseworks, shares the same interests... Instead because she belongs to another class she gave herself to a man from working class who does not know the meaning of being a husband.

Wang Chun is coming, and I am not anxious to see her. I've heard all about her marriage with a rich Taiwanese, purchased a wonderful condo, and developed a interest for luxury goods. I am a little jealous. I still want to keep the superiority of being the prettier one.

Speaking of Wang De, mom and dad told me the similiar version of what he told them during his visit. He said he went out with Mo Haowei in Shanghai, but was found out my He when she called him at work. She refused to eat and wanted to commit suicide. Her parents intervened and my borther felt obligated. I do felt pity this time I saw him in the airport. There wasn't the young confident figure I expected, instead there came a man who shows a sign of struggle. I didn't see much affection between them, hopefully it is because I didn't have a chance to be with them longer.

Sitting in Starbuck. Exhausted from the trip but couldn't sleep long at night. Drank a medium sie coffe and now my heart is beating so fast for no reason and my hands are shaking. Time to go home but the guy sitting across from me is too cute. :)