4:42PM, Nov 21

Is it too early to countdown to my departure? Haven't gotten a call from Dave, maybe he is upset at me for forgetting to wait for his call that morning before I leave for Wuhan. Have to get a phone card and check if he is OK. I am not a family person.

It hurts to be close to anyone. The constant reunion and farewell exhaust me. Yesterday afternoon I sat besides grandparents bed, watching grandpa lying there. I reached for his hand and he held mine. He asked me to be closer to my parents. He said he and grandmna are both in their 90s, and I should worry about my parents more instead of them. I can't help but wondering was this my last visit to them? After supper I sat between them, holding their hands. They asked me how many hours do I work a day, do I get along with colleagues, asked me not to spend too much. They said they may not be here next time I come. I cried and by the time I have to leave I started to choke. I shot several video clips of grandma talking to dad, grandpa singing Beijing Opera in bed. I try to record their voice and live image as a reminder. But will I be able to collect the courage to look at these once they are not here anymore? Several years ago, to me they are immortal. But as time passes, as I hear them talking about grandparents' age, how uncle spends so much time taking care of them instead of hiring a caregiver against their wills, why their apartment should belong to uncle once they pass away, and hear them guess how much money they accumulated by not adding any item of luxury, it seems everyone is waiting for their end, not in a malicious way, but only because everyone has an end and they are over 90.

I can still feel my heart wrenches at the thought of them. I thougth the many fairwells in my life would make me less emotional, but every practise still breaks me. If I had a choice, I would rather grow up in a city with my parents, keep childhood friends and make new ones long the way, meet someone in the same city, and die in the same city. No more good-byes and no more useless tears.

Called Yang after I got back Beijing, couldn't wait till he answers my email. I was so excited yet disappointed to hear that he is coming, only next week, 3 days before I leave. Did he arrange the business trip for me? I asked when would be a good time to call him and he answered anytime at night. I think he was glad that we spoke. But that is not enough for me. I want to see him face to face, sitting beside him and chat, like we never did before. If only we had more time to discover each other. We talked alot before, but the subjects are always about sth else other than ourselves. We still don't know much about each other. Maybe now a chance presents itself, years later. Would I grab it or let our cowardness tear it away again. What's the use anyway.

Have to call Dave.