6:43 AM, Nov 14, 2006

The morning starts its ritual again. I opened the window to let the air and the energy of the city in.
I stopped yesterday when mom woke up. Now let me pick it up again.
I saw on the photos taken on the trip to Zhou Zhuang with my roommates and the boys in our class. Although the details of the trip has fated in my memory, the carefree happiness remains. Gao Jun visited Beijing during a summer vacation. I remember that my heart dropped when I opened the door and saw this unannounced visitor. I knew I did’t love him but I couldn’t bring myself to tell him to the face. There are the photos we took in front of 白塔，and us in my parents’ apartment. I was just performing a host’s duty, and now I couldn’t find what I saw in him. Loneliness lead us to make impulsive decisions. And there are many photos taken before the graduation. We were young and still have baby fat on the face. Before these photo, I preserve the 4 years in that dorm in my passwords.
And then I found the envelops, with the first one marked by mom as: Send together by EMS on March 15, 2000. I don’t recall reading them before, and started to think maybe I never saw them until now? Tears came out on the third letter he wrote. If only I knew I told myself. If only he told me in front of my face, would my life take another path? Maybe now I can understand his feelings more. As I read the letters, my heard echoed his thought. Were the letters 6 years too early, or 6 years too later? I remembered that day too, on the top of the small tower, we were looking at the scenery in front of us, hands resting on the rail. My right hand was so close to his left one. There was a short few minutes of silence. I wasn’t looking at anything. My heart was pounding and I wanted him to hold my hand. Did I tell myself if he hold my hands I will rest my head on his shoulder?
In one of the letter he said I wrote to him that “our lives are two parallel lines”. It is confirmed once again. He is working in Shanghai now. I was lonely and I grabbed Gao Jun. He visited me occasionally and I thought I was just a little girl with boyish short hair even though the roommates did teased me when he came. He told me he decided to work in Shanghai after graduation. I asked why. He answered jokingly: because of a woman. I was disappointed somehow, and had a intelligent office lady pictured in my head, thinking that would be compatible to him. And then he started his post-graduate study in Nanjing, and I was too busy plotting my own life. He is the most intelIectual person in my life, I have much admiration for him and he fits into every catagory of the man I want, but was not attracted to him in that way. But there are so many chances that might have changed it.