A Miscarriage and A New Born

Wei's excitment was shattered by the news that the fetus was dead. In her email looks like she was very sad for awhile and now decides to start a new page.

Yanqing finally becomes a mother. So happy for her, especially after seeing the tiny little creature she brought to earth lying in the pink crib. Haven't seen her for so many years. Can't tell much change of appearance but she is sure changed. The motherhood made her so much tender. Now I am just like a carefree little girl refusing to take on any responsibilities. No matter what I've heard from Wei and Anxian, I still love her and wish her all the best.

回来一周了，还没缓过来，仍好像在拒绝面对现实。不想看平时喜欢的电视节目，不想听这里的音乐，不想做一切与中国无关的事，连他也不碰。心真累，受不了了。什么时候才能恢复？回国真的是不可能的了！
他今天真的生了气，说我要是回去我们就完了。说我总是不安现状，不珍惜已经拥有的。说他怕得不敢考虑一起买房子的事。说我自私。我说给我多点时间把这一阵熬过去。如果真的自私，会一狠心不顾一切回去的。
快疯了吧，一直想着他。明知不可能的。居然幻想到他忽然来信说自己离婚了。我会回去，但只会先象朋友一样地交往，以免互相责怪。就这么地疯想。找到他妻子所执教的大学网上的她的简历，很优秀的人，我又怎么能比的了，只有他对过去年少的回忆罢了。现在又算什么呢。
是因为小城市生活空虚还是生性不定，换赵延青好听些的说法：感情丰富。
没回国时这样的日子还可以忍受，现在心已经不在了，可身子就被锁着。
那么远，不可能再远了，下次再见他就是作父亲的人了。

看完后下巴都掉下来了

这是从一个朋友的Blog看来的，不转贴都可惜。若可以这样活着倒不会累心。

－－－－－－－－－－－－－－－－－－－－－－－－－－－－

从早上到公司一直忙到中午，刚刚松了口气，手机突然就响了，怕是客户的电话，立刻接听：
'喂，你好。'
'呵呵，什么时候和我也这么客气了啊，死相！'接着传过来一阵勾魂摄魄的笑声。
'晕，你丫都孩子他妈了，不要再笑的这么引人遐想了行不行啊？'
'中午出来吃饭吧，有事儿找你呢，猫空，12点，别迟了啊'又是一阵魔音灌耳的笑声，就挂线了。

这是我的好友妖妖，孩子都一岁了，但是怎么看起来都像是一没结过婚的主儿，还整个是一个如假包换的大美女，
哎，有时候我就想，这小子是不是趁我们都没注意的空档去拉了皮还是怎么的，归根结底还是一句话：老天没眼啊
同人不同命啊！

中午准时到了猫空，她已经到了，且挑了一张靠窗的显眼的位置，她的逻辑是：
美色如果不拿出来和大家共享，就是暴敛天物！
我一进门，她就立刻用一腔甜美粘腻腻的声音叫道：
'这边这边，看到吗？'
唉，岂止是我看到了，她这一嗓子，一猫空的人都看到她了，又不是在酒吧，茶社而已，
还会找不到吗？我算是服了她了。赶紧溜过去坐了下来，怕她再接再厉，把茶社外面的也招进来啊~~~~~~~

酒足饭饱，我点了一支烟，总算是缓过劲儿来了，问道：'又怎么了啊？'她立刻把
正在忙着满场抛媚眼的眼光收了回来，立刻换上一张苦恼的楚楚可怜模样来讨我的
同情(有时候我真是想不通她的表情怎么会变得那么的快，奇人啊)

'亲爱的，两件事情。'
'说吧，不麻烦你也不会找我。'
'我老公要过生日了，我不知道送什么给他好，领带、鞋子、衬衫、钱包、打火机、我全都送过了，真是没辙了。'
'厄……送个夹包吧，男人出去办事情，不同场合也要有不同的包来配合嘛。'

啊……我就知道你最聪明了，你最好了，我老公的夹包上的拉链上周正好坏了，你真是厉害啊，
一下就解决了我的难题，你最……'她立刻摆出一副五体投地的样子，简直差点没有对我顶礼膜拜了。
但是我怎么都觉得自己有点受骗上当的感觉，这么简单的问题，不用这么郑重其事的把我约出来吧。
@#&%。。。 _*有阴谋！

'第二件事情就是，他也要过生日啦，你也知道啦，他要什么有什么，什么都是高档名牌，什么都不缺，
我真的不知道送什么好啊，而且就算是送了，他老婆这么敏感的人，他无缘无故多个领带皮包之类的，
肯定又要吵闹了，拜托，我知道你最聪明了，帮帮忙，帮我想想办法啦，而且，嘿嘿，
你现在的男朋友……不也是有老婆的么，我想，你主意一定比我多啦。'

我就知道没有那么简单，那个'他'是她的情人，也是有家庭的人，至于两个人是柏拉图式的还是纯肉欲的，
我就不得而知了。她的爱情观是：一个爱人不嫌少，两个爱人正正好。

'送瓶女士香水给他吧，让他送给他老婆，他老婆一定开心，就会经常的用，那么他就会经常看到和闻到，
他就不得不时时刻刻的想到你，他老婆也不会有任何的怀疑，多好，两全其美。对了，最好送你自己最爱用的那种，
那么，即使是他在你这里沾染了你的香水味道，他老婆也不会再有任何的怀疑了。'

'哎呀，你真是太绝了，我爱死你的这个主意了，你真是太厉害了。'她开心的笑开了花。'
我就送他我现在用的'毒药'好了，还是我老公送的呢，哎呀，这个主意实在是好，找你果然没有错，你好聪明啊……'

我笑笑，又点了一根烟，隔着烟雾缭绕，看着欣喜的她，想起上个月，我把毒药送给她老公的时候，他也是这么夸我聪明的……她没有发现，
我和她一样，用的也是毒药……

Returning His Letter, December 5, 2006

打中文好累呀。还没开始头就大了。

你和曹颖合好了吗？你吵架时是什么样子呀？会不会是很凶？嘻嘻，怎么也想像不出。Alex 和我也不常吵，而且如果是谁理亏都会马上认错，不过他说我生气时蛮吓人的，呵呵。

昨天在MSN上遇到高中毕业后就每再联系的同学，有人告诉她我要回国，可当联系上时我已经回来了，当时直想骂人。又错过了一个。

两天前就到了，可心还在飘着，一直不肯着陆。现实却一件一件地砸过来：付帐单，填冰箱，换冬天的汽车轮胎，明天就要去上班了。整理完行李发现，完了，真回不去了。Alex 说：“从没见你这么难过，你还是回中国吧。”我问“哪你怎么办？”他说：“只要你开心。”唉，他要是个混蛋该多好，什么都容易了。有许多次不自觉地盯着他看，他着了慌，问“你是不是在想：为他留下不值得？”当时好像是说谎被人发现。

收到你的信是昨天下午，外面正下着大雪，地上已经白了。让那支曲子不停地奏着，信看了许多遍，仿佛可以擦去中间的片段来修改历史。又想再有多一个小时，上一壶菊花茶，和你并肩坐着，不必再充满猜测地说话。但现在真是天之涯，海之角了，相隔太平洋和十二个小时的时差，再远不过这个距离了。我看信时你已经睡了吧？

回头看看，上大学后总有人追，追得我都不知道为什么。一直没觉得自己在那时长得有多好，上海漂亮女生多了。也没觉得性格有多好，阴暗面当然不能随便暴露了。可能被惯坏了，不很珍惜别人对我的好，喜欢什么事也没有长久的，一次三分钟热度套牢了自己三年，因为他对我太好说不出分手两个字，直拖到毕业。环顾四周，也没见到好象创作出来的那样壮丽的爱情，觉得在我这么没长性自私的人身上也不可能发生。日子就晃晃悠悠地过去，直到两年前发现，可以那样地想找一个人。现在还在等这次的三分钟热度过去，如果真是的话不知到还要等多久，如果不是可就惨喽。就这样触不着见不到地等真烦。
转念想想，就是走到一起也不一定就有好结果。如果我留在国内，可能会做自己不喜欢的工作，英文也忘了一大半，向国内的朋友一样看过社会黑暗现象后对之失望，用微薄的薪水维持生活，后悔耽误了前程，在你读研时怪你不在身边，在一起时也因生活的琐碎毁了感情，人也老得快。又如果现在都是一个人，我可能真的会北京（好象有点一厢请愿呦），然后发现我们相处的加起来或许通共不到一个月的时间根本不够了解对方。好象《桃花源》里的春花同袁老板一样，还不如《暗恋》里，江滨柳坐在病房的轮椅上对分散四十年后刚又见面的云之凡问一句：“之凡……这些年你有没有想过我？”来得美丽。

看过《暗恋桃花源》后一定告诉我你喜不喜欢，好想再看上十遍。

一月份就要开始计划明年的假期了，因为要和有几个同事分开。想去古巴一周，那里海边的度假村很美，有人天天教跳舞，有吃有喝，也很便宜。可是更想去欧洲，比如巴黎，看那里的文化和生活还能练练我的已经生疏了的法语，比在专为游人开的千篇一率的村子里强，就是太贵了。呜…… Alex 的妹妹和她的男朋友去欧洲转了很节省的一个月，吃的住的都比较简单，我也想试两周，又怕自己吃不了苦半途而废把信用卡刷爆，Alex 也不同意，说不是学生了用不着受那分罪，可我倒觉得蛮值得，又是一次经历嘛。在国内认识一个日本人，一个人骑自行车逛罗马尼亚呢。

找到了那支去子的乐谱，想学，回头有机会乱弹给你听呦？

今天是晴天，等会出去走走，听听靴子踩在雪上嘎吱嘎吱的声音。顺便去中国店买菊花茶。

这是在你的车里拍的，什么都不清楚。相机里好多功能我还没掌握。该洗车窗了吧。呵呵。可惜没有同你的合影 : p

脖子酸了。该天再聊吧。不用回了，打中文字的艰难我深有体会，你又是两三星期才休息一次的骡子。不要断了联系就行了。

7:15 AM, Dec 2

The scene remains the same outside of the window, but the excitement I had on my first arrival now turns into sadness. Never felt I was part of the life here yet the life on the other side of the earth now still seems surreal. How long will it take for my heart to settle there?

He called approx 8am as he was on the way here. He had another engagement and couldn’t make it at 11am. We met at the newspaper stall again, walked to Starbucks, walked back to his car. The whole meeting took an hour. We returned to our old selves, I sensed the fog wrapping us. The silence in the air was killing me and I had to fill it up with anything concerning nothing. I wanted to give him a hug but I pat him on his arm and said he might be a father already next time we meet. As he turned to the car I shouted I was glad to see him again. Then it’s over. Walking to the opposite direction I hoped he would suddenly show up from behind. Kept on looking at the other side of the street searching for his car. Couldn’t help but calling him at 8pm but he sounds busy somewhere. Thought he would call me back but it didn’t happen. I guess that’s it. I completely missed him.

I knew I shouldn’t have done it but sense does not take control.

I don’t want to go back to Saint John and I don’t care for the life there.

6:39 AM, Nov 31, Beijing

Leaving tomorrow.

He had another engagement at 9:30pm, probably with his wife but he didn’t say. We met at 8pm because I don’t want to miss the supper with my parents. He left home earlier however supper wasn’t ready then. He drove me around 四环, listening to some old songs. So many new buildings have been built and they are all so away from my life. It became so easy to talk to him, and I really enjoyed that hour. As we are approaching home, he said good time passed fast. I decided to stay in Starbucks for awhile to rest the racing heart. He asked when drving along the west if we could have lunch tomorrow, I looked out of the window not knowing what to say. I so wanted to but would it be the same. The ride is too beatiful to be spoiled. But I said yes as he asked again. Love the plate he gave me. Five fragile little flowers laying on a while rectangle background.

8:49 PM, Nov 29

So stuffed again, day after day until I completely lose my appetite.
Went to 前门 with mom in the morning. Had to tell little lies to dad so that he won’t feel we are leaving him alone. Not much choice: I am closer to mom, and can’t enjoy our conversation when he is around. Never know what he likes or not. Last time I told them to have a will ready. He didn’t say much then but later mom told me he was quite upset thinking I am plotting their property before they are even dead. Mom is more willing to accept, or at least try to understand different opinions however dad is as stubbern as a rock.

Constantly seeking subjects when converse with dad, can’t stand his attitude toward mom. While feel bad about my behavior and the same time. I can’t recollect any good childhood memories with him. Always feel he turned his attention to me after he was “disappointed” by Wand De, which means Wand De did not follow the path dad planned. I still remembered when I was in the 3rd grade, the teach asked us to bring a red and a blue ballpoint pens for the afternoon. Dad for some reason was home and didn’t allow me to take both. I didn’t understand why and took them anyway. Can’t remember if it happened the same day or soon, later, the teach, dad and I were standing outside of the building at school, and dad told her that I stole the pens and I was 两面派。Now that I think about it, who wasn’t? He is even more so since he treats everyone else better than mom. Another incident was one night, Wand De looked through my bookbag and found a letter I wrote to grandparents telling them I couldn’t live with my parents(mostly Wang De and dad) and want them to take me to Wuhan. He got really mad and pushed me outside of the apartment door. It was dark outside and I thought so hard if I should leave or not. I was scared that I couldn’t find any food and don’t know how to get to the train station. Then they opened the door and let me in, but I wanted to leave so much. Another night I cried ( don’t remember why) lying on bed, he asked me what happened and I said I got sand in my eyes. He said I lies and steals, but now looking back, why would I if I could communicate with him, or I could find comfort in him. Now he changed, probably don’t remember anything that he’s done that hurt me as a kid. They spend money on me but it won’t change the emotion formed toward him since I was a child. Too late. I could touch him the same way I touch grandpa, couldn’t bring up the fond memory as what I had with uncle. I can’t love him as he expects. When talking with mom as he sits there watching TV this morning, I couldn’t bring myself to sit beside him and fill the space with family happiness.

Yang called this afternoon. I want to have supper tomorrow at home, so he is coming to pick me up at 8 pm to a bar. Don’t have much time left. What’s there left to talk about? Will I fall from my high expectation?

Went to Beijing brach today and met Mark. He is really cute. Why didn’t I visit the first week of my stay, maybe we can really go out for dinner sometime as he offered. hehe... The head of personal services studied finance at U de M. Small world, he even knows Miao Puquan. If only I could stay in China. This branch only opens accts for clients, but once 3 years passed it can become a ful-fledged branch and starts to deal all kinds of business. I took photos of the grand building where the branch locates, and Mark at the front desk.

5:35 PM, Nov 27

Went to catch the last 暗恋桃花源 at 首都剧场。Chun left in the morning to treat her hair and didn’t show up at the theatre until 7:30PM. There are several 黄牛selling tickets for much higher price. But we waited till the play started and got two 100s for 300 Yuan. Turned out it was so worth it I wouldn’t mind doing it again.
This play has been running for over 20 years and is deemed as a classic. It was adapted into a movie play by Lin Qingxia from Taiwan. It is about two plays had conflicts on using the stage to rehearse, and have to make compromises to complete the rehearsal that night. One of the play is called 暗恋 and the other is of course 桃花源. 暗恋 tells a story about two lover was separated by the end of the civil war, and finally met 40 years later after they each has their own families. 桃花源 is about a fisherman left home for a fishing trip, leaving his adulterous wife and her lover. He stumbles into 桃花源 and becomes a new man. He left after a few days to bring his wife to 桃花源 only to find that years has passed outside and nothing is as planned, but he cannot find the way back anymore.
The audience was pulled back delicately after becoming absorbed into either one the plays, and the two interact with each other in such a smooth way that I marvels at the writer’s talent.
I have so much to say about this play but my language skill does not allow me to fully express my thought. I will go down load a review and post it here.
Chun and I laughed so hard and still couldn’t stop going over the parts after we got out. The we took the bus, bought a 煎饼果子 when we got off. She told me a extremely funny incident which was later spread out through the internet. This material contains coarse language mature subject. Listeners discretion is advised. She saw it actually happened on the bus with her mother in Beijing and the whole crowd on the bus laughed on hearing the conversation.
He is coming back this Wednesday. No call from his after that night’s conversation. Why did he even bother calling after that noon’s little chat? Did he realize that I turned out to be the silly person I always thought I was? It was still awkward to talk to him. Or is he a changed person from who I thought I knew from my memories and the letters? Seems his life evolves around work. I asked when was the last time he took a break and the answer was two and a half wks ago. He does not draw anymore. He does not have recommendation of any new songs (though it might also be the result of the superfluous music industry), no books (same as music). Is he still the young student with romance treasured proudly in the heart?