8:49 PM, Nov 29

So stuffed again, day after day until I completely lose my appetite.
Went to 前门 with mom in the morning. Had to tell little lies to dad so that he won’t feel we are leaving him alone. Not much choice: I am closer to mom, and can’t enjoy our conversation when he is around. Never know what he likes or not. Last time I told them to have a will ready. He didn’t say much then but later mom told me he was quite upset thinking I am plotting their property before they are even dead. Mom is more willing to accept, or at least try to understand different opinions however dad is as stubbern as a rock.

Constantly seeking subjects when converse with dad, can’t stand his attitude toward mom. While feel bad about my behavior and the same time. I can’t recollect any good childhood memories with him. Always feel he turned his attention to me after he was “disappointed” by Wand De, which means Wand De did not follow the path dad planned. I still remembered when I was in the 3rd grade, the teach asked us to bring a red and a blue ballpoint pens for the afternoon. Dad for some reason was home and didn’t allow me to take both. I didn’t understand why and took them anyway. Can’t remember if it happened the same day or soon, later, the teach, dad and I were standing outside of the building at school, and dad told her that I stole the pens and I was 两面派。Now that I think about it, who wasn’t? He is even more so since he treats everyone else better than mom. Another incident was one night, Wand De looked through my bookbag and found a letter I wrote to grandparents telling them I couldn’t live with my parents(mostly Wang De and dad) and want them to take me to Wuhan. He got really mad and pushed me outside of the apartment door. It was dark outside and I thought so hard if I should leave or not. I was scared that I couldn’t find any food and don’t know how to get to the train station. Then they opened the door and let me in, but I wanted to leave so much. Another night I cried ( don’t remember why) lying on bed, he asked me what happened and I said I got sand in my eyes. He said I lies and steals, but now looking back, why would I if I could communicate with him, or I could find comfort in him. Now he changed, probably don’t remember anything that he’s done that hurt me as a kid. They spend money on me but it won’t change the emotion formed toward him since I was a child. Too late. I could touch him the same way I touch grandpa, couldn’t bring up the fond memory as what I had with uncle. I can’t love him as he expects. When talking with mom as he sits there watching TV this morning, I couldn’t bring myself to sit beside him and fill the space with family happiness.

Yang called this afternoon. I want to have supper tomorrow at home, so he is coming to pick me up at 8 pm to a bar. Don’t have much time left. What’s there left to talk about? Will I fall from my high expectation?

Went to Beijing brach today and met Mark. He is really cute. Why didn’t I visit the first week of my stay, maybe we can really go out for dinner sometime as he offered. hehe... The head of personal services studied finance at U de M. Small world, he even knows Miao Puquan. If only I could stay in China. This branch only opens accts for clients, but once 3 years passed it can become a ful-fledged branch and starts to deal all kinds of business. I took photos of the grand building where the branch locates, and Mark at the front desk.