Email to Yang, Nov 22 Beijing

5:12 AM in the morning, not everyone has the luxury of witnessing the wake of this city. It is still dark and quiet. The lights on the skyscrapers flickers, the huge cranes stands motionless… I can already hear the occasional tires roll on the road and honks from faraway.

It was wonderful to be able to talk to you again. I wish it could be longer but the familiar feeling of uncertainty crept back. I could hear your voice but couldn’t really see what’s in your mind. We scratched some surfaces and a hand pulled me back from venturing further. I hope I didn’t contaminate your mood with mine. I was all excited and happy last week and the mood took a sharp turn after I visited my grandparents.

They were immortal in my eyes. I still kept snapshots of my childhood with them in my head: grandma sewing besides the window that shut big snow flakes outside, grandpa reading People’s Journal while I scribble on the wall, the family gathering around the big dinning table on the new years eve… But their passing became so inevitable this time, it hangs heavily in the air. My grandpa who I never saw shedding a tear held my hand and asked me not to worry about them anymore now that they are in their 90s, and be closer to my parents instead. Tears kept on rushing out when I saw him wiped his own, and when I spent the last half an hour sitting between my grandparents, answering their random questions such as how many hours I work everyday. When we are bidding farewelIs I was horrified at the thought that this might be the last time I see them. Shot a few video clips of them, and many photos, wishing to keep their images close. However I am not sure if I could collect enough courage to watch these records once they really pass away. Then their faces will fade, together with their smell and their voice. Eventually maybe all I have in my head is only the memory of their existence.

After so many goodbyes in my life I can still not come prepared. I don’t regret studying abroad because I didn’t see my future then and now I have a job I like. But I start to wonder if I got my priority straight. Would I be able to settle in Beijing then, close to everyone. I could see my grandparents in the holidays, live in my parents apartment shamelessly until I am able to afford my own (if ever), go out with old and new friends, meet the special one here and dump he once I found out he is an asshole ;P. As my parents’ heath get worse I could give immediate help. I really don’t want to go now, despite of the second hand smoke that makes me sick, the spitting that nauseates me and the public washrooms that repels me. :P
Don’t know why I mumbles so much assuming you are interested. I just felt we never had a chance to talk, although we spoke before ;) I was so angry when I heard that you won’t be in Beijing during my visit. Not at you, but at the hands that are pulling the strings. I couldn’t believe how two lives can miss each other’s path so easily. We never ever ever lived in the same city when we know each other. Even now, only for merely three weeks and it can’t be done. Yet I am scared of the meeting. Talking to you I always felt immature like a silly girl standing on my toes, facing up trying to catch a glimpse of your thought, admiring the wisdom, while could never figure out what kind of person you really are. I lost the little confidence I had, constantly guessing if I made a fool of myself. The same sense of foolishness came back last night. I pictured you leaning on the headboard of the bed, one hand holding the phone and the other the remote, changing channels and wishing me to shut up so that you can go to sleep. The last thing I want is disappointment. We are like two trains running on parallel tracks. I could see you but don’t know what you carry inside. You arrived at the station years earlier, but when I get there, you’ve already gone.

It seems to be another foggy day in Beijing. More and more lights in the apartment buildings are lit, a dog is barking. It’s 6:23. Starbucks opens in a few minutes. Their black coffee is pretty good. And their internet is even better :)